My Mom In Heaven

I have the best mom anybody could ask for. I have always been so close to her. She raised my brother and I with the most unconditional love, wisdom, strength, and grace any son could ever ask for. She taught us to be kind and appreciative. She taught us to be strong and bold. She taught us that money held no currency to love and family. She taught us to appreciate the things we had. She taught us to be emotionally available and expressive. She taught us life. She taught us values and morals.

My mom has always been my best friend. She has always been my rock. She has always been the one to check on me in the middle of my shift as a police officer, because even from 200 miles away, she could feel it that something was wrong. Of course I would try to deny it and within a few moments sure enough mom was right. We would chat and as the weight would lift I would feel entirely whole again.

I used to drive home just to help her in the garden. I would bring old clothes to change into with the plan to devote the day to tasks of the past like planting flowers and pulling weeds. We seemed to find ourselves out there; connected in a way and enjoying time together.

Ten years ago my mom had a massive stroke. She fought so hard to regain what she could. She persevered and did the unthinkable, which was to learn to talk and function at a near normal ability. She rarely complained although she must have been exhausted. She taught everyone the power of the heart and the mind. She undoubtedly kept finding ways to shock everyone with her will and resolve.

Three years ago my mom got very sick and ended up in the hospital. She was found to have a sudden illness that the doctors couldn't diagnose at first. She had lost her vision. She was found to have a staff infection that was very serious. She went into a coma for several days. I remember sitting next to her as tears ran down my face. I begged her to wake up. I needed her so bad.

Staff at the hospital discussed hospice plans with our family. We were told she had almost no brain activity. We were preparing to have her go to hospice and out of nowhere she turned her head almost robotically. Hospital staff called it a miracle. She regained abilities at such a rapid rate nobody could explain it. Several days later she was released from the hospital.

Everyone was shocked when she was able to go back home. She was at home for only a short proud of time when she was sent back to the hospital due to new and serious medical concerns. She was tested in many ways and it was found she had septic blood in her body and also her heart and lungs.

There was no cure and many experts were consulted on the matter. Her health deteriorated very fast. I had so many discussions with her during this time she was in hospice. I would lay next to her and we would bold hands and talk about life, work, dreams, goals, fears, her impending death, her hopes for my handling her passing away, etc. I had some of the most amazing conversations with her. She seemed even more wise than ever. She seemed worldly. She seemed as though she had knowledge beyond the here and now. I couldn't quite place words to what I was seeing but it was very special.

She passed away a short time into her hospice stay. The night she died, I had left work early and with my son, drove up to be with her. She got to see my dad, my brother, all family that had been visiting her, and me. Everyone had been able to see her in the day she died. Hospital staff including doctors, nurses, nursing assistants, janitors, and cleaners came to hug her and thank her for being so nice. She changed people. She saw people. She noticed people. She loved people. Everyone that met her felt close to her. Her death that night affected everyone.

I had left the hospital to get my son to bed as it was late and a little boy can only handle so much. I got him tucked in and in dreamland. I stood on the back patio at my dad's when I suddenly felt hot and cold rush over me. The hair on my arms stood straight up. I felt mom my going to heaven. That sounds out there but I did. I received a call that she had passed away. I started to cry. I couldn't stop crying. My mom was dead. My world was crushed. She was the very most important pillar in my life. How was I going to go on without her?

It has been three years and my writing has been a huge part of my healing and processing. I think of her daily and her loss has made me very strong. I am more compassionate than ever. I am wiser. I am wounded but more capable of continuing on than ever before. I have some of the most important writings I have ever put together. They are straight from my heart and soul. I am going to share them. They will be arranged separated between writings for an easier read.

If you are missing anyone that meant the world to you please find yourself in these. If you have lost your mom or dad just know they feel you when your raw emotions are released.

If you long for one more hug I know that one a lot. If you miss a voice, a smile, a laugh, a tilt of the head that immediately told you that that person and that person only understood you these are yours. If there is no replacing someone these are yours. If you have found strength you never knew existed as you learned to carry the toughest and saddest burden of your life please read. If you find yourself more appreciative of each delicate breath of am those around you knowing our time is short with no guarantees please take these in. These are pieces of all of our mourning and courage.

Mom, I miss you every day and its been a difficult year with you gone. Gone? Not really, but without you here is a daunting thought and reality. I have found you in so many areas of my day to day and I am very blessed for that.

That head-on I avoided at work when that car swerved in my lane, I felt your presence. You are all around me each day.  Each day I grow wiser and stronger as I navigate life with you in heaven. I am blessed for your guidance, love, compassion, and light as I continue as your son.

I raise him with love, enthusiasm, and patience as you raised us. Your example provided the strength through life adversity that allows me to continue in your calm, confident, and steady manner. There are no words to describe what it is like to have you gone.

There is no easy fix to missing you so much. I do know with you in our glorious heaven, I find amazement in moments, perfection in all the imperfections, energy, enthusiasm, and peace at my weakest moments. In your name and honor I am walking taller, stronger, and more passionately than ever before.

I miss you with my whole being and smile as your angelic light brightens my days and nights. On your birthday, I pray you simply feel my deepest gratitude for being my cherished mom through eternity. Our talented artist and gardener. Each day is a gift.

I miss you. I miss you beyond words. Your spirit lives in everything I smile about, laugh about, and cherish. Thank you for instilling in me your passion for life. That same passion for life is my son's also.

Thanks for teaching me from your amazing example how to live for forward and to live for moments. Thank you for letting your love of life be in my heart to.

Your presence is felt in all the beauty this life blessed me with. As you shine light on us all just know I live to see it, feel it, share it, and reminisce in its perfection. Gone way to soon. You are my mom and I rep every step in your beautiful name.

I wanted so bad to reach for my phone to call you today to wish you a Happy Mother's Day but I realized I don't need to take that extra step...you're much closer than that.

I've been thinking of you all day. I think of you every day but today is your birthday and you've been on my mind constantly. I am so blessed for everything in my life. Your strength is something I have always admired.

Your strength I feel has been bestowed in my heart and mind. During a time when my beloved profession as a police officer has been turned on, disrespected, misunderstood, downplayed, analyzed, and challenged. I continue my mission with honor.

My greatest contribution is never losing my light much like you didn't. I carry your grace in me which I got from your amazing example. I smile knowing I can whisper peace and trust on every call and contact while I work. I feel focused in my ability to keep smiling. Nothing can get me down in my life. I often say to myself "I lost my mom, there is not much I cannot keep my chin up through."

You were my example of how to keep swimming in life and you are an even greater example in your death. I am stronger then all the mucky moments I see. You taught me to love and that's exactly my focus with every step in your honor. I live with zest. I see you everywhere.
I get symbolic examples of you in so many things. You are beautiful and I am lucky to call you mom. Thanks for being my guide during your life and through your death. Happy birthday heaven's gardener. I am stronger with you by my side. I love you.

Thanks for shining down on us. We enjoy your "light" everywhere mom! 
Mom, I miss you more and more each day, an angel of heaven that hears when I pray, Austin remembers splashing in the hot tub when you two would play, with you watching over us I know it will always be ok, thanks for life, thanks for gifts, thanks for leaving smiles and light even after you had to go away.

I'm blessed for strength I learned from you, I know exactly what to do, continue proudly in your name while tested, tried, and true, somehow after losing you I thought I fell but I really only grew, your resolve and love I carry in me as a dad, in life, and as I police in blue, your life meant so much and you're missed so much we're worn but somehow renewed.

You're everywhere and thanks for that I love you so very much, its never easy without you but your light I can almost touch.  Your son

Kyle