That Which Makes Us Stronger
People marry with many things in mind. There are so many goals, dreams, aspirations, and the desire to hold the hand of the one they love forever. What happens when life deviates from the most sacred union? I will try to explain.
I married the one I loved and without pointing fingers or blaming anyone, I humbly embrace where i am 5 years later. I married when I was 24 years old to the girl that I fell in love with. We have a beautiful son who we have always put in the front of this potential mess. He is and always will be our world and our greatest reason for our paths coming together.
The toughest part of divorce is a part of my soul died when my marriage ended. Who was I? Could I succeed? Could i trust again? Could I handle the feelings of failure? I soon found out I would be more than ok. I would be truly whole again.
I have always been true to my promises, my words, and my devotions. Could I find the answers amongst so many questions?
I knew immediately upon my divorce i needed to stay true to myself and my feelings. A stuffing of emotions would surely slowly destroy my open heart.
I have always been a writer and through writing, I have always found my lost or unrecognized feelings. I wrote a lot. I spilled my heart and thoughts through a pen or the keys of my computer. No emotion was buried. I did the same thing my whole writing life and not even divorce could trample that part of me.
I made a conscious decision to avoid negative people as positivity was vital. Initially, I struggled to allow my heart to be as free as it has been for my whole life. I was afraid I would put a wall up and become emotionally cold or absent.
I had dents in my armor from another emotionally traumatic struggle. I lost my mom to a sudden illness 6 months after my divorce. My mom was my heart in so many ways. She used to call me daily just to check on me.
I used to drive the 150 miles to her house just to help her in her garden. I would sit with her and talk over coffee. I was empty when she passed away. I was empty with the pain from my divorce. Amongst all the challenges, trials, and tribulations a part of me died with my mom and my divorce..
I found symbolic strength when i bought my beloved game bred pit bull Brutus. Everything about him from his bloodline to his deep desire to complete tasks was my new and old drive united.
I held back from letting anyone in for a while. I didn't think I could let my heart be open at first. I met a girl that was looking for a friend at first. She and I found connection and understanding in our conversations. The closer we got, often through discussions of not wanting a relationship, the more we trusted one another.
This girl moved me and made me happy. I found trust in her and she found trust in me. I denied my deep need to be near her at first as I had thought I would remain single for a long time. I found that I was happiest when she was next to me.
I opened up with her as she opened up with me. Her hand in mind, her eyes locked on mine, our hearts together came so naturally in time. I love this girl and she moves me like no other. I am so lucky to have a girlfriend with a beautiful soul, heart, face, and disposition. I trust her. I love her.
I wanted to feel peace again in my rattled and humbled soul. I give my all in everything i do. I would give my last breath to people I know would not do the same.
In law enforcement, I continue to give my time, mind, security, strength, and heart to a profession that refuses to love back. I have grown to accept and embrace that this field cannot and will not love back and I am ok with that.
I am stronger than ever, wiser than ever, and more thankful than ever. Each day is a gift. I've seen the fragile state of life and with each beat of my heart i grow more blessed, thankful, and honored for my time here. I carry no pity in my soul.
I am stronger than I have been in my entire lifetime. The strength I now have from life and time is earned. I know the put in my stomach and I know how to calm our. I know the feelings of anxiety and I now know how to use the power of the mind and self talk talk to get things under control.
I am writing with more passion, feeling, openness, humility, and depth than at any time in my life. Experiences are what we make them friend's. It is not always easy, but I hope we can support one another to keep our chins up, chests out, and remember to be proud of ourselves. Forward only.